It didn't exactly go to plan.
So you’ve probably been wondering where I’ve been, or maybe you haven’t and you’ve forgotten I even existed. It’s not like a made a huge impression in the blogging world and everyone was wondering where on earth “home for now” went.
I’m still here, in our little peaceful abode, only difference is in the last 3 months instead of being the productive go-getter I used to be, I got far too comfortable lying in bed all day and ordering a different take away every night… I didn’t even do that, I made Joe ring them so I didn’t have to.
I don’t really know what happened; I just kind of gave up for a minute.
When I was 5 I wanted nothing more than to be a fashion designer but I was always told I had no fashion sense. It knocked my confidence and turns out, the people who told me I had no sense of style actually don’t have a clue. Then as I grew up I was told design careers are hard to come by and I wouldn’t make any money. As I grew older my attentions turned to having a nice home. With the little we sometimes had, my mum always made sure we had a lovely home. Mums not very creative but she has great taste and always has a hack or two when it comes to cleaning or decorating.
When I decided I wanted to do interior design it wasn’t received very well from my dad. I was told again, “design careers are hard to come by Honor and there are so many people out there better than you. You won’t make a living from it.”. So my dreams were crushed again. No one believed in me. So I picked myself up and started training for the army. Yeah. Massive difference, I know. I hated it, but I felt like people were finally proud of me and I was getting recognition and praise I hadn’t gotten before.
It was when I went to college that I finally broke and blurted out that I didn’t want to join the army and I hated all of my classes. I quit the next week. I still remember walking out my tutor’s office and across the open field feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was like the ending to the breakfast club.
So we fast forward 4 years and I’m still working at my family’s diner and I’m no closer to having a career in interior design. In hindsight I probably would’ve been a sergeant by now (if I was 14 I’d probably conclude that sentence with a ‘lol’). Then Joe encouraged me to start a blog and I initially shrugged off the idea but I kept the idea in the back of my mind. I was always banging on about the like of Lydia Millen, Lust living or the hoppy home to name a few and I just loved how creative their content was and dreamt about doing it as a job.
When I created my blog I was so excited. It was growing at a steady pace as was the Instagram and I was enjoying it so much. Then I started discovering just how many interior profiles there were on Instagram and so many of which were established and to be honest, Better than me. Joe kept telling me to believe in myself but I didn’t want to. Every day I was finding another page with someone who had a beautiful home and I gave up. I don’t have huge 5 bedroom mansion with an adorable pet, I don’t have endless money to finish furnishing our flat tomorrow and I don’t have the patience to post the same 5 pictures day in day out when nothing changes because it makes me feel like a failure. We’ve been here 7 months and we still don’t have a bin in the kitchen or bedside tables.
It’s hard when you’re starting from scratch and the comparison between my home when its unfinished and I’m unhappy with it and the beautiful insta-famous pages got too much for me. Most people on Instagram have body envy … I have major home envy. Although it isn’t jealousy, it’s more about me always being too hard on myself and never cutting myself any slack. My standards are too high and it’s exhausting trying to exceed them all the time. I suppose it comes from always trying to make my parents proud but I definitely haven’t done that (insert another ‘lol’).
Without making excuses for myself I’ve also been very ill which has meant a lot of lying in bed and the more time I’ve spent in bed, the more I’ve wanted to just lay there and be left alone. My motivation and determination had been completely obliterated and for a second I forgot who I was because that definitely is not me.
The thing that sparked the turnaround in attitude was seeing how sad Joe was getting because I wouldn’t help myself. It was beyond making him sad, my negative attitude had rubbed off on him and all because I was being a downer it was affecting him. My lovely, outgoing, bubbly partner was becoming depressed and it was my fault. I’m sorry I did that to you. So I’m trying to get back on track for Joe and for me. He deserves a happy environment so he can thrive and I deserve to give myself more credit because our house is beautiful.
I’m grateful to anyone that has gotten to the end of this post It must have been a bit of a bummer to read, but I feel like an explanation was necessary in order to move on. Before I really struggled with content ideas too, but I seem to have so much more confidence about me lately and I know that will shine through in the things I produce for you to read or view.
I think it’s important to acknowledge how important self-love and self-care is. I let myself go for 3 months and although Joe and I have still been happy I forgot what it was like to be this happy.
We have a lot of plans for 2019 so let’s try and keep this up and stay positive.